Every Sherlock adaptation in a nutshell
Fast forward to 1:27! (That dog in the beginning has the largest goddamn eyes)
I’m not going to translate the intro (1:00 to 1:27) to it cause I have shit to study but I’ll try my best with the rest.
Captain:Come on, charge him on everything we’ve got. All this is real obvious.
Russian!Holmes: I wouldn’t say that, Captain!
Captain: You again…. Goddammit, why is this always during my shift!
Russian!Holmes: Elementary, Captain. It’s as elementary as the fact that you just came back from Tula yesterday.
Captain: But how!?
Russian!Holmes: Elementary! You have crumbs on your shoes. That means you didn’t eat neatly, which means you were in a hurry so you wouldn’t have to share with your partner. The breakout on your face tells me that it was something sweet. And the chipped tooth, that it was a pryanik (sweet baked good cookie thing)! And where here do we make bullet-proof pryaniks?
Captain: BUT HOW??
Watson: Bravo, Holmes, bravo!
Captain: But how could I have come back yesterday from Tula if I’m already working here, in Moscow, two days?
Russian!Holmes: Uh, well, let’s continue, Watson.
Watson: Are these the things of the victim?
Captain: Yes. Actually, all the things of the victim.
Russian!Holmes: I see that the victim didn’t like shopping… Hmmm, turning on deduction….. It’s April. But the Christmas tree hasn’t been put away yet, which means our victim had an influence over his wife.
Watson: (standing uncomfortably close) But how did he die? He’s dead, isn’t he?
Captain: Don’t go to a fortune teller. :/
Russian!Holmes: He died…. From a cut by a poisoned bottle opener! Although wait a minute. There are pantyhose on the wall and in them - onions!
Watson: Yes…. But who could wear such a thing?
Russian!Holmes: Elementary, Watson! The killer is Lady Gaga!
BBC!Holmes: It is wonderful, gentlemen. It is wonderful that Arthur Conan Doyle hasn’t lived to see this great moment.
Captain: And who are you, strutting around in the coat? Also Holmes??
BBC!Holmes: What do you mean, also? For many I am the only because only I have a blog and LJ. And, don’t worry, I won’t tell anyone you went to a strip club yesterday.
BBC!Holmes: Where else would you go in Tula?
Captain: But how did you-
BBC!Holmes: Not a word further! I need to take a look at everything with my special subtitled gaze….
(Vodka: Always Friday!)
(Cigarettes: Only when he drinks.)
(Captain: Radius ( I guess) 7.4 cm, 4 years in Moscow, Didn’t spit far enough, Blood of a witness, Case closed.)
Captain: What are you doing! I need to give it back. (rented)
BBC!Sherlock: Considering you’re dusting yourself of something invisible, you’ll need to give it back, quite soon. So what do we have here, John? Plot against the queen?
Watson: No, Sherlock, all the clues point to-
BBC!Sherlock: I am not all! (translating punsss….) I am the lightest colored (brightest) head. I am detective number only in the world! Of course, if Channel One is translating me right. :/ What did you say the internet says about this, John?
Watson: I.. didn’t say anything.
BBC!Sherlock: If you didn’t say, the book about us would be twice as short and four times smarter.
Captain: Guys, I don’t get it. Are you going to investigate the murder or not!?
Ritchie!Holmes: Whyyy do you need to investigate if you can just overwhelm everyone with SFX? Well, what do we have here? Now I’ll show you how the best detectives of Hollywood work! You have to be contemporary… Brutal… And commercial…!
Russian!Holmes: T-That’s Moriarty-!
Watson: D-Don’t worry, it’s just a rash…
Ritchie!Holmes: What’s wrong, are you shocked by my deductions? If, of course, I correctly understand the word… You, sirs, have gotten old. The contemporary laws of film say that if you didn’t take off your pants, you didn’t get any in the box office!
BBC!Sherlock: Gentlemen, don’t take offence, but you’ve all gotten old. Today, if you’re not on the internet…
Russian!Holmes: What does the internet have to do with anything? Haven’t you /read/ Conan Doyle? In the nineteenth century, only the mentally insane had blogs.
Captain: Heh, well, nothing’s really changed then.
Russian!Holmes: And the Queen, named /me/ the best Holmes on the planet.
Ritchie!Holmes: She named Elton John a knight…
BBC!Holmes: (getting in close again) John, you’re a doctor! You have the talent of telling people the truth with an understanding expression on your face. Tell us, who is the most ingenious? Who will be the one to remain in history?
Watson: Gentlemen, how about all three of you remain in history, seeing as, as a doctor, I can’t live on just one salary.
Captain: Well, anyway, excuse me for interrupting but maybe you’ll finally tell me what happened here?
Russian!Holmes: He was stabbed to death by Moriarty.
BBC!Holmes: Not stabbed… but poisoned!
Ritchie!Holmes: Don’t make me laugh, Moriarty always chokes his victims!
Russian!Holmes: No, you don’t make me laugh, and if you actually want to be funny then take off your pants again!
Victim: AHEM, sorry, am I interrupting? Look, a hole in my side. Right there, fingerprints on the knife! Here, a note from his neighbor: I killed him because of political disagreements on the views about his wife. Here’s the date, here’s the signature, here’s a copy of his passport, here’s everythi-
Russian!Holmes: Can’t trust you with anything!
Watson: But, why, Holmes…!
Russian!Holmes: Elementary, Watson!
Fixed it for the part I didn’t hear. (Although I’m surprised how that happened). Thank you, snaakks!